Sheesh, my heart is longing for the South so badly... I can even literally taste the salt in the air. I've never lived there... only a few visits, but it's where my soul was born. I can't figure out, though, if its New Orleans or Savannah...
I've always wanted to just pack my shit and go. Leave everything behind here in Arizona. Unfortunately I have severe ties to this state I cannot break just yet... but now more than ever I'm feeling the need to breathe Southern air again. I'm going to seriously start planning a trip in hopes that will satisfy my thirst for now, but I fear it won't quench it.
For years I've lived a secret life in my mind that involves the life of a gypsy, you know, just picking up and leaving whenever the wind blows too hard. Working when I need money, sleeping when I need sleep. I don't know what's been stopping me. Fear? partially, but not entirely. I know I can do it... maybe it's a fear of leaving the familiar. No, no that's not it.
And THIS is what I mean when I say - My head won't leave my head alone. I need to just shut up, close my eyes, and DO it. But there is so much I'd be leaving behind.... including some dear friends and an awesome partner. My family? eh, I can live without them for a while for sure. They're better loved from afar if you know what I mean.
*Sigh*
For now I'll just keep surrounding myself with morbid pictures of Southern cemeteries and breath taking plantation homes. Send good energy my way, though, please.
Good intentions to make the right choice at the right time....
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Office Space
My own personal living hell.
I know rarely do we end up where we expect in life, but really? I was not meant for this. If you've seen the movie "Office Space," you have an idea of my life Monday - Thursday and Saturdays: 7am to 3:30pm. It's a not-so-cozy office in the North Valley, my work I will keep anonymous for reasons (again) I know you'd understand.
The office is full of stuck up women who don't smile, probably because they're afraid of actual HUMAN contact. A majority of them speak Romanian.... which is just what I want to hear all day long.
One of my older sisters is the head executive of HR. I thought this would be extremely cool at first, until I realized she's no different at work than outside of it. She's controlling in her own, sick, sadistic way... and unfortunately feels the need to try and fill my mothers void in this world.
You see, she and I have different mothers but my mother took care of her starting at an early age. Sister has had to live her entire life with everyone telling her which woman to call "Mom." This is not fair to her, I completely understand but my mother is gone and sister needs to accept she is never coming back. I'm 10 years younger than her and I've already got that down. Working with her means having her in my face constantly, trying to say and act the way she thinks Mom would. And believe you me, she is WAY off.
Anyways, I got a promotion. Unfortunately I didn't get it the way the main character in "Office Space" got his. I'm being thrown into this position for reasons I haven't quite figured out yet, but there is certainly an underlying issue here. I think it has to do with the fact I've been trying to transfer departments.... and they can't afford to loose the person ell. So hey, lets promote me and hope I stay. Forget the fact I have NO idea what I'm doing and when I ask for help my supervisors turn the other cheek.
All I need is the red stapler and a name tag that reads: Milton.
Anyways, I hope one day I find my place in this world. THIS company certainly isn't it. I've made a few small friends here.... but honestly if I could leave tomorrow and never see any of these people again, I wouldn't loose any sleep.
I drag my ass in here 5 days a week, just to find I'm fighting nodding off for 8 hours a day. What a waste, huh? I totally know. It seems I've traded one prison for another. So why am I still here? Well, it's not where I need to be, but it's not where I used to be.
Just another stepping stone. But I am SO over this one. I'm praying the universe will send me the next phase in my life soon, because THIS is ridiculous.
I know rarely do we end up where we expect in life, but really? I was not meant for this. If you've seen the movie "Office Space," you have an idea of my life Monday - Thursday and Saturdays: 7am to 3:30pm. It's a not-so-cozy office in the North Valley, my work I will keep anonymous for reasons (again) I know you'd understand.
The office is full of stuck up women who don't smile, probably because they're afraid of actual HUMAN contact. A majority of them speak Romanian.... which is just what I want to hear all day long.
One of my older sisters is the head executive of HR. I thought this would be extremely cool at first, until I realized she's no different at work than outside of it. She's controlling in her own, sick, sadistic way... and unfortunately feels the need to try and fill my mothers void in this world.
You see, she and I have different mothers but my mother took care of her starting at an early age. Sister has had to live her entire life with everyone telling her which woman to call "Mom." This is not fair to her, I completely understand but my mother is gone and sister needs to accept she is never coming back. I'm 10 years younger than her and I've already got that down. Working with her means having her in my face constantly, trying to say and act the way she thinks Mom would. And believe you me, she is WAY off.
Anyways, I got a promotion. Unfortunately I didn't get it the way the main character in "Office Space" got his. I'm being thrown into this position for reasons I haven't quite figured out yet, but there is certainly an underlying issue here. I think it has to do with the fact I've been trying to transfer departments.... and they can't afford to loose the person ell. So hey, lets promote me and hope I stay. Forget the fact I have NO idea what I'm doing and when I ask for help my supervisors turn the other cheek.
All I need is the red stapler and a name tag that reads: Milton.
Anyways, I hope one day I find my place in this world. THIS company certainly isn't it. I've made a few small friends here.... but honestly if I could leave tomorrow and never see any of these people again, I wouldn't loose any sleep.
I drag my ass in here 5 days a week, just to find I'm fighting nodding off for 8 hours a day. What a waste, huh? I totally know. It seems I've traded one prison for another. So why am I still here? Well, it's not where I need to be, but it's not where I used to be.
Just another stepping stone. But I am SO over this one. I'm praying the universe will send me the next phase in my life soon, because THIS is ridiculous.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Where has all the music gone?
You know, it's so sad to me that more and more people are uneducated when it comes to music. I talked to someone today at work who doesn't know who The Doors, Led Zeppelin, Tom Petty, Dave Matthews, Janis Joplin, John Lennon, or Daniel Lanois are. Can you believe that? This guy is MY age. Granted, I'm only 26 and have the mind of a 45 year old, but still! How can you not know who JOHN LENNON was?
Ugh, music is becoming so obsolete and it makes me sad. =(
This weekend I went to the "Art of John Lennon" exhibit in Scottsdale, AZ. It was so amazing to see his handwriting right in front of my eyes. Framed (and on sale for over $5,000) was the lyrics to Imagine..... written by John himself on parchment. Just to be able I've say I've SEEN that in real life is such a blessing....why doesn't anyone understand that?
A while ago I met a 15 year old boy who asked me, "Hey, do you know who Beethoven is and if SHE is still alive?" WHAAAAAT! 15 years old and he doesn't know who Beethoven was? No, he didn't know, but he talked for a fucking hour about "fox racing" and going to the sand dunes. What the HELL are our schools teaching these kids?
If I had more money I would help keep music and art in our schools.
You know, I've never wanted children....but when I hear things like this I think, "well maybe I NEED to have a child just to put some hope back in our future."
"You may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
Please help me by spreading the good music. PLEASE.
Ugh, music is becoming so obsolete and it makes me sad. =(
This weekend I went to the "Art of John Lennon" exhibit in Scottsdale, AZ. It was so amazing to see his handwriting right in front of my eyes. Framed (and on sale for over $5,000) was the lyrics to Imagine..... written by John himself on parchment. Just to be able I've say I've SEEN that in real life is such a blessing....why doesn't anyone understand that?
A while ago I met a 15 year old boy who asked me, "Hey, do you know who Beethoven is and if SHE is still alive?" WHAAAAAT! 15 years old and he doesn't know who Beethoven was? No, he didn't know, but he talked for a fucking hour about "fox racing" and going to the sand dunes. What the HELL are our schools teaching these kids?
If I had more money I would help keep music and art in our schools.
You know, I've never wanted children....but when I hear things like this I think, "well maybe I NEED to have a child just to put some hope back in our future."
"You may call me a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
Please help me by spreading the good music. PLEASE.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
No reason, No Rhyme
Today, I'm just writing as a journal entry. No reason, No rhyme...
It's my lunch break at work. I sit around these 3 women who are from Romania and though they are pleasant to talk to, these women drive me insane! They sit allllll day long talking a thousand miles a minute in Romanian and if I ask for help with anything they discuss it amongst themselves in their language... and instead of explaining the issue to me, they just give orders and walk away. Ahh my "Office Space" job... I don't know if I've mentioned where I work; I have 2 jobs. This one, I will keep anonymous for reasons I know you'd understand. I am an entertainer at a topless club for job #2. It's so weird.... 2 completely different lives I live... and I'm bored with both.
Anyways, I've decided I really don't want to dance anymore. I get so tired of pretending to care what my customers have to say. It seems no one has anything interesting to say anymore. I can't stand what society dubs as "cool," you know? John Lennon, Dave Matthews, Janis Joplin.... THAT'S cool to me. Books, movies, and spirituality....THAT'S cool to me too. Not motorcycles, muscles, and who can drink the most beer. Being a topless entertainer isn't as easy as one would think. It takes a lot of self control and patience....I'm loosing both. When I go to work, I find myself smoking on the patio all day to avoid the men that come in... which means I don't leave with much money anymore. At least I'm not stuck, like some of the 30+ year old women I work with. I have an "out," but the economy is down so bad right now... being a single girl living on her own doesn't exactly mean an easy-does-it schedule.
Random....I told you, No Reason, No Rhyme.
Anyways, I saw Coraline last night. My buddy went with me... we got SUPER stoned before hand and let me tell you, if you get the opportunity to do this, please take it. That movie is insanely bizarre. I absolutely loved it.
The voices and "shadow people" I encounter are getting more and more intense as the days go on. Last night a dear dear friend of mine was crying because she had just lost her dog. =( I could feel her hot tears on my face and hear her crying. When I text her, she admitted this is what she was doing at that moment. I know it's an amazing gift I've been given, but sometimes I have to ask myself, "what is the purpose?" Why was I given this? I don't see how I can put it to any good use, you know? It's more .... just..... there.
Well anyways, thank you for reading my pointless blog today. lol I hope I find you feeling well, my friend. Have a good one.
Cheers
It's my lunch break at work. I sit around these 3 women who are from Romania and though they are pleasant to talk to, these women drive me insane! They sit allllll day long talking a thousand miles a minute in Romanian and if I ask for help with anything they discuss it amongst themselves in their language... and instead of explaining the issue to me, they just give orders and walk away. Ahh my "Office Space" job... I don't know if I've mentioned where I work; I have 2 jobs. This one, I will keep anonymous for reasons I know you'd understand. I am an entertainer at a topless club for job #2. It's so weird.... 2 completely different lives I live... and I'm bored with both.
Anyways, I've decided I really don't want to dance anymore. I get so tired of pretending to care what my customers have to say. It seems no one has anything interesting to say anymore. I can't stand what society dubs as "cool," you know? John Lennon, Dave Matthews, Janis Joplin.... THAT'S cool to me. Books, movies, and spirituality....THAT'S cool to me too. Not motorcycles, muscles, and who can drink the most beer. Being a topless entertainer isn't as easy as one would think. It takes a lot of self control and patience....I'm loosing both. When I go to work, I find myself smoking on the patio all day to avoid the men that come in... which means I don't leave with much money anymore. At least I'm not stuck, like some of the 30+ year old women I work with. I have an "out," but the economy is down so bad right now... being a single girl living on her own doesn't exactly mean an easy-does-it schedule.
Random....I told you, No Reason, No Rhyme.
Anyways, I saw Coraline last night. My buddy went with me... we got SUPER stoned before hand and let me tell you, if you get the opportunity to do this, please take it. That movie is insanely bizarre. I absolutely loved it.
The voices and "shadow people" I encounter are getting more and more intense as the days go on. Last night a dear dear friend of mine was crying because she had just lost her dog. =( I could feel her hot tears on my face and hear her crying. When I text her, she admitted this is what she was doing at that moment. I know it's an amazing gift I've been given, but sometimes I have to ask myself, "what is the purpose?" Why was I given this? I don't see how I can put it to any good use, you know? It's more .... just..... there.
Well anyways, thank you for reading my pointless blog today. lol I hope I find you feeling well, my friend. Have a good one.
Cheers
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
My Shadow People...
I call them this only because I have no other way of explaining them. I see them everywhere... on the streets, in the mirrors, outside my home, in a store, in a car... After my accident I started seeing these "shadows" and they never speak to me or even make contact (with one exception I will get to...), but I can see them and I believe they are aware that I can. They have no detail to them, just a sillouette-like figure and they react to the things people do around them.
For example, the other day I was at the market when I saw a "shadow person" follow someone down the frozen isle. It was a woman in her 40's, dressed in a suit. She was nothing out of the ordinary. It followed her all the way to the frozen corn where it stopped, placed a hand on her shoulder and turned to look at me. I stood, staring for a moment until the woman looked at me herself, with obvious confusion. As though to say, "what the fuck are YOU looking at?" I quickly turned and acted as if to be picking out some frozen dinners... when I looked again it was gone.
Are these "shadow people" angels? Maybe just beings from another place, I don't know.
Once I was buying an energy drink early in the morning at a gas station. As I was walking to the counter (not paying attention to where I was going), I suddenly saw from the corner of my eye a "shadow" shoulder check me so hard, I threw my arm back and jumped about 5 feet in the air. The kid at the counter (probably no older than 16 or 17) had the most shocked look on his face.
I said, "did you just SEE that?!?!"
"Uh....No...." he said, not sure what I was going to do next, probably.
"You didnt just see that thing run into me? Right here?"
"No ma'am, I didnt."
I stood staring at him for just a moment, trying to comprehend what had just happened. I just shook my head at myself and said, "okay then. thanks."
I bought my drink and got out of there before he called the police.
LOL
"shadow people." What are your thoughts?
For example, the other day I was at the market when I saw a "shadow person" follow someone down the frozen isle. It was a woman in her 40's, dressed in a suit. She was nothing out of the ordinary. It followed her all the way to the frozen corn where it stopped, placed a hand on her shoulder and turned to look at me. I stood, staring for a moment until the woman looked at me herself, with obvious confusion. As though to say, "what the fuck are YOU looking at?" I quickly turned and acted as if to be picking out some frozen dinners... when I looked again it was gone.
Are these "shadow people" angels? Maybe just beings from another place, I don't know.
Once I was buying an energy drink early in the morning at a gas station. As I was walking to the counter (not paying attention to where I was going), I suddenly saw from the corner of my eye a "shadow" shoulder check me so hard, I threw my arm back and jumped about 5 feet in the air. The kid at the counter (probably no older than 16 or 17) had the most shocked look on his face.
I said, "did you just SEE that?!?!"
"Uh....No...." he said, not sure what I was going to do next, probably.
"You didnt just see that thing run into me? Right here?"
"No ma'am, I didnt."
I stood staring at him for just a moment, trying to comprehend what had just happened. I just shook my head at myself and said, "okay then. thanks."
I bought my drink and got out of there before he called the police.
LOL
"shadow people." What are your thoughts?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
My lucky 39
What a weird number to have as your lucky one, huh? I started noticing the number 39 pop up in my life when I was about 13. I was waking up every single morning within the hours of 4am and 6am... all with the last two numbers on my clock being 39. Since then, always the number finds me! When I was in my accident I had 39 stitches inside my abdomen. It happened at 11:39 am. The only time I've ever won the lotto... the winning number was 39. And after taxes I won 239 dollars.
I'm not sure I would consider this a "lucky" number, being that I died the second time at 12:39 (exactly an hour after my accident happened). But then again, I never feel horrible when I see the number, just a strange familiar feeling. Someone once told me it's a sign that I'm "on the right track in life."
I've been teased about it in the past... being told I'm copying stories such as that movie, "Number 23." Well here's the thing... I don't have to add things to 39. The number 93 means absolutely nothing to me. I don't have to LOOK for the number...because like I said, it always finds ME first.
Weird...
I'm not sure I would consider this a "lucky" number, being that I died the second time at 12:39 (exactly an hour after my accident happened). But then again, I never feel horrible when I see the number, just a strange familiar feeling. Someone once told me it's a sign that I'm "on the right track in life."
I've been teased about it in the past... being told I'm copying stories such as that movie, "Number 23." Well here's the thing... I don't have to add things to 39. The number 93 means absolutely nothing to me. I don't have to LOOK for the number...because like I said, it always finds ME first.
Weird...
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