The random mind of VS

(dated incorrectly. Updated from another blog site)

Just as the title says: Random. More venting... blabbing. lol Just looking to get it out.

My partner and I have been talking more and more about my move - which is a great thing because we've never communicated very well. He's so quiet, so collected and I'm the complete opposite. If I'm feeling something? Here, let me barf it in your lap. lol - Though I know this trip is what needs to happen, he told me the other night that he doesn't want me to contact him once I leave; which of *course* I will respect. It stings because I knew this would be a high possibility - he and I never speaking again. That was one of the risks I was willing to take with following my dream... guess when it really happens though, it hurts more than you thought it would. He did say that he will never be angry at me for choosing to do this because he knows if he's mad, it will ruin the experience for me. And he loves me too much to do that. UGH that alone makes me respect him all the more, which in return makes it all the more difficult to do this. I know I need to though, it just flat out is what it is.

I'm really looking forward to being in an environment where it's okay to be a little... "eccentric." My whole life I've been seeking acceptance. Well, not exactly the right word for it... because I've always done what I will and am who I am, regardless of what people around me think. But it does get heavy when you are constantly being judged and told you are "doing it all wrong." I get tired of telling people, "It's just who I am... can't you just love me for THAT?" Should I really HAVE to say that all the time? lol I want friends and people who like the strange and usual... and who like PEOPLE who like the strange and unusual. lol Ugh is it April yet??

It's the waiting that is killing me.... I wish tomorrow was April 29th so I could get to nola for Jazzfest, look at places for rent and jobs, then come home to pack and leave. The waiting is the biggest test of all.... it's the waiting that gives me time to think and evaluate all those familiar feelings that have kept me from doing this in the past. I just can't let it run me over this time... so far I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it. Just have to STAY strong.

Speaking of - do you ever get tired of being "strong?" I do. A LOT. Seems like life has been this one giant clusterfuck for me to survive... people like me make good poets. LOL I don't know.... we all have our own purposes, our own meanings and I envy those who actually know their reason for living. Hell.. maybe there ISN'T a reason to it at all, huh. Maybe we really are just here to breathe. I hope not though... I would like to think it's all got a reason. Maybe that's the dreamer in me.

Random - but I think movies totally ruin life for us. LOL! Get us thinking things could be like a fantasy - that the perfect man is out there. The perfect place. The perfect life. And movies are SO diverse, that each of our "fantasies" are played out in one way, shape or form. I wish I could just paint my life the way I want it.... using colors that are "bold and bright." I'd paint me a lovely home in NOLA (which I'm actually painting right now)... with a perfect garden. While I'm dreaming - I'll go ahead and paint me a man who dresses the way I want and listens to the music I want and says the things I want and plays an instrument and will sing to/with me and has the haircut I want and the moves I want....And.. and... and...! Dream on, right? hahahha

Oye - See again what I mean when I say "My head won't leave my head alone?" LOL Crap like this is what I constantly daydream about. Wouldn't it be lovely to just be relaxing in a garden right now with some good tunes, some good smoke, some good company, some good weather? Then I wake up and am back to reality - bahhhh. I hope New Orleans is everything I expect it to be. And if it's not, at least I tried, right?

Anyways - I'm totally rambling now.... another useless thing I'm good at. lol Got to go.. break at work is up. Back to my cubicle and TPS reports.... and yes, I got the memo. Mmmmmkay?Hooray.