Driving myself crazy.

Dated incorrectly. This was uploaded from a previous blogging site...


Forgive the randomness of the following... I need to write in my journal and I can't seem to find a single fucking pen in my house right now. I have no idea what's going to come out in the following... so just know I'm not seeking salvation, just a release I s'pose.

I wish I could shake this heavy feeling in my chest.... I know I do it to myself by over-thinking the sh*t going on in my life. Why is it that during your hardest times, allllllll the horrors of your past come creeping up? All these emotional roller coasters I'm riding in sequence are SO intense, I wish I could just switch it off. Maybe I just need to smoke a few more bowls. 

Being a "realist" sucks, man. Because you KNOW you've got issues, but you're "thinking too straight" to deal with it.

My whole life has been a constant, DRAMATIC change. I know everyone's life is ever changing... but when mine changes, it changes like a brick to the face. SMACK... guess what Sue, life is going to be totally different for you. Everything and everyone important to you who you *thought* you could count on.. you can't. The only constant thing in my life (since my teen years).. has been Dave Matthews Band. I've always been connected to music in a way most people are not fortunate enough to be, so to listen to a song and really feeling it in my aching heart means everything to me. It means no matter WHAT, I can slap on some DMB and they'll soothe my soul.

I'm learning through all of this change right now, that my Mom's death impacted me a lot more than I thought it did. I mean.. it was by far the WORST experience of my life and obviously I will have issues walking out of something like that... having to pick my mothers casket and tombstone by MYSELF (at the age of 17), because the rest of my family "couldn't deal with it?" Yeah.. that cut pretty deep. But like every other traumatic event, I've convinced myself that "Yeah it happened. Yeah it sucks and they were mother fuckers for doing that to me... but it made me a stronger person, and if I can handle THAT I can handle anything." Evaluating - can I *really* handle that? For years I've been answering with "yes." But moments like this when life gets really difficult, I find myself going back to those kinds of things and really feeling......... well, sadness. It makes me sad, just how everything turned out. I don't "hate" much in life... but I fucking HATE that she is gone. I feel so robbed and so alone. All the time I hear girlfriends saying, "Oh I have to call my mom tonight..." or, "My mom is going to help me pick out my wedding dress!!" Simple things like that always are little stabs.. Yeah well... I don't get that. Plain and simple. And I *know* it was meant to happen this way... I KNOW I am blessed in many other ways. I know it could *always* be worse. I know my mother is in a much better place than you or I could dream of, It all just sucks I guess. Sucks bad.

This New Orleans adventure is going to be a BIG opening for me. Even through all the heartache of it all... so many cool things are happening. I'm meeting great new people and learning what really holds me back in life. I just can't wait to be over this part..... the part of really starting to realize who I am. To be honest it kind of scares me..lol. I've done some things in my past that I would never share with anyone... things that are... uh... not so good, and I don't know if I want to revisit that part of me. In a lot of ways I know myself extremely well, I am confident and secure. Underneath it all, I am a tortured soul just trying to keep it's head above water. I know a whole lot about nothing. haha Guess that's the way it goes for all of us, huh.

In a lot of ways, I guess since Mom died I've been waiting for someone to take my hand and help me out a bit. We hear songs about it... so I know it's possible. Lyrics come from the writers heart... and sometimes I hear certain songs and think, "fuck man... I want THAT." haha Everyone wants what someone else has.

Well like I said, I have NO idea where this began or ends... I was just typing to get it out. Right now I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm floating. End of story. lol