So Much to Say...

(dated incorrectly. Updated from another blog site)

I could go for hours. lol So much to say, indeed.

I'm thinking that the nola move will need to be moved up. Maybe June? The only reason I'm staying here so long is it seems to be the "responsible" thing to do. Maybe for once I need to be irresponsible and just go for it.

Have you ever had a fantasy that is SO captivating, it consumes your every thought? A passion for something that is so strong, you want nothing more than to fulfill and devour it? Yeah, me too. lol Sometimes it's frustrating to "feel" that much, because when you realize it is actually just a *fantasy,* you are heartbroken. Accck.... wish I could just float through life like a drone. So many people out there are satisfied with the mediocre and usual. Life would be so simple if I could just settle... I guess that's not a good thing to wish for... are those people REALLY happy? Probably not. Guess the grass always seems greener on the other side. Again - I wish I could paint my life the way I want it.

If you could pick one song to sum you up... which would it be? Mine would be Grey Street (by DMB, of course. lol). "She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life... she would change everything about her using colors that are bold and bright, but all the colors mix together to Grey... and it breaks her heart." Ooooo listen to me... the sappy poet. There I go feeling too much again. LOL What's funny is I crave "feeling." When I was on meds, they did nothing but numb my body and mind... and I *loathed* it. I wanted to throw a brick in my own face just to get SOME kind of reaction from myself. That's why I quit them all cold turkey - talk about a rough week!! I've been on it all.. from Xanax to Paxil. From Percocet to Morphine. But I find that cannabis works WAY better. Kill the whole flock with one stone. Speaking of... I really REALLY wish I could smoke here at work. lol SO bad of me... since my job is a branch of "law enforcement." What the fuck ever dude... its a plant. lol Don't get me started on that.

Rambling again. Thinking out loud. Thanks to whoever is STILL reading this. lol

I want to be stimulated. I want something and someone who will light my interest every day. Don't know if that's a naive thing to wish for too, but either way - it's what I want. I LOVE to be surprised. lol Not just gifts or crap like that (I'm definitely NOT a diamonds type girl)... just, surprised in life I guess. I hate being bored. But it's seems simple enough with me because most of the time, just relaxing and listening to music is enough to keep me busy. lol I feel like I'm screaming at everyone in my life to just GET it, but no one does.

Anyways - I should stop here before I get carried away and end up writing you a novel about pointless sh*t. lol Thanks again for reading.... After my last blog, I realized how good it felt to get the random clutter out of my head.. so I decided to write you #2. Expect 3,4, and 5 soon. hahaha

Peace, friends

The random mind of VS

(dated incorrectly. Updated from another blog site)

Just as the title says: Random. More venting... blabbing. lol Just looking to get it out.

My partner and I have been talking more and more about my move - which is a great thing because we've never communicated very well. He's so quiet, so collected and I'm the complete opposite. If I'm feeling something? Here, let me barf it in your lap. lol - Though I know this trip is what needs to happen, he told me the other night that he doesn't want me to contact him once I leave; which of *course* I will respect. It stings because I knew this would be a high possibility - he and I never speaking again. That was one of the risks I was willing to take with following my dream... guess when it really happens though, it hurts more than you thought it would. He did say that he will never be angry at me for choosing to do this because he knows if he's mad, it will ruin the experience for me. And he loves me too much to do that. UGH that alone makes me respect him all the more, which in return makes it all the more difficult to do this. I know I need to though, it just flat out is what it is.

I'm really looking forward to being in an environment where it's okay to be a little... "eccentric." My whole life I've been seeking acceptance. Well, not exactly the right word for it... because I've always done what I will and am who I am, regardless of what people around me think. But it does get heavy when you are constantly being judged and told you are "doing it all wrong." I get tired of telling people, "It's just who I am... can't you just love me for THAT?" Should I really HAVE to say that all the time? lol I want friends and people who like the strange and usual... and who like PEOPLE who like the strange and unusual. lol Ugh is it April yet??

It's the waiting that is killing me.... I wish tomorrow was April 29th so I could get to nola for Jazzfest, look at places for rent and jobs, then come home to pack and leave. The waiting is the biggest test of all.... it's the waiting that gives me time to think and evaluate all those familiar feelings that have kept me from doing this in the past. I just can't let it run me over this time... so far I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it. Just have to STAY strong.

Speaking of - do you ever get tired of being "strong?" I do. A LOT. Seems like life has been this one giant clusterfuck for me to survive... people like me make good poets. LOL I don't know.... we all have our own purposes, our own meanings and I envy those who actually know their reason for living. Hell.. maybe there ISN'T a reason to it at all, huh. Maybe we really are just here to breathe. I hope not though... I would like to think it's all got a reason. Maybe that's the dreamer in me.

Random - but I think movies totally ruin life for us. LOL! Get us thinking things could be like a fantasy - that the perfect man is out there. The perfect place. The perfect life. And movies are SO diverse, that each of our "fantasies" are played out in one way, shape or form. I wish I could just paint my life the way I want it.... using colors that are "bold and bright." I'd paint me a lovely home in NOLA (which I'm actually painting right now)... with a perfect garden. While I'm dreaming - I'll go ahead and paint me a man who dresses the way I want and listens to the music I want and says the things I want and plays an instrument and will sing to/with me and has the haircut I want and the moves I want....And.. and... and...! Dream on, right? hahahha

Oye - See again what I mean when I say "My head won't leave my head alone?" LOL Crap like this is what I constantly daydream about. Wouldn't it be lovely to just be relaxing in a garden right now with some good tunes, some good smoke, some good company, some good weather? Then I wake up and am back to reality - bahhhh. I hope New Orleans is everything I expect it to be. And if it's not, at least I tried, right?

Anyways - I'm totally rambling now.... another useless thing I'm good at. lol Got to go.. break at work is up. Back to my cubicle and TPS reports.... and yes, I got the memo. Mmmmmkay?Hooray.

Just a check...

(dated incorrectly. Updated from a previous blog site)

Having a great night in the midst of a bunch of chaos. Just wanted to remind everyone that the little things in life are *so* important.

Making a mental note of that myself. lol

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry my friends, for tomorrow we die...

Driving myself crazy.

Dated incorrectly. This was uploaded from a previous blogging site...


Forgive the randomness of the following... I need to write in my journal and I can't seem to find a single fucking pen in my house right now. I have no idea what's going to come out in the following... so just know I'm not seeking salvation, just a release I s'pose.

I wish I could shake this heavy feeling in my chest.... I know I do it to myself by over-thinking the sh*t going on in my life. Why is it that during your hardest times, allllllll the horrors of your past come creeping up? All these emotional roller coasters I'm riding in sequence are SO intense, I wish I could just switch it off. Maybe I just need to smoke a few more bowls. 

Being a "realist" sucks, man. Because you KNOW you've got issues, but you're "thinking too straight" to deal with it.

My whole life has been a constant, DRAMATIC change. I know everyone's life is ever changing... but when mine changes, it changes like a brick to the face. SMACK... guess what Sue, life is going to be totally different for you. Everything and everyone important to you who you *thought* you could count on.. you can't. The only constant thing in my life (since my teen years).. has been Dave Matthews Band. I've always been connected to music in a way most people are not fortunate enough to be, so to listen to a song and really feeling it in my aching heart means everything to me. It means no matter WHAT, I can slap on some DMB and they'll soothe my soul.

I'm learning through all of this change right now, that my Mom's death impacted me a lot more than I thought it did. I mean.. it was by far the WORST experience of my life and obviously I will have issues walking out of something like that... having to pick my mothers casket and tombstone by MYSELF (at the age of 17), because the rest of my family "couldn't deal with it?" Yeah.. that cut pretty deep. But like every other traumatic event, I've convinced myself that "Yeah it happened. Yeah it sucks and they were mother fuckers for doing that to me... but it made me a stronger person, and if I can handle THAT I can handle anything." Evaluating - can I *really* handle that? For years I've been answering with "yes." But moments like this when life gets really difficult, I find myself going back to those kinds of things and really feeling......... well, sadness. It makes me sad, just how everything turned out. I don't "hate" much in life... but I fucking HATE that she is gone. I feel so robbed and so alone. All the time I hear girlfriends saying, "Oh I have to call my mom tonight..." or, "My mom is going to help me pick out my wedding dress!!" Simple things like that always are little stabs.. Yeah well... I don't get that. Plain and simple. And I *know* it was meant to happen this way... I KNOW I am blessed in many other ways. I know it could *always* be worse. I know my mother is in a much better place than you or I could dream of, It all just sucks I guess. Sucks bad.

This New Orleans adventure is going to be a BIG opening for me. Even through all the heartache of it all... so many cool things are happening. I'm meeting great new people and learning what really holds me back in life. I just can't wait to be over this part..... the part of really starting to realize who I am. To be honest it kind of scares me..lol. I've done some things in my past that I would never share with anyone... things that are... uh... not so good, and I don't know if I want to revisit that part of me. In a lot of ways I know myself extremely well, I am confident and secure. Underneath it all, I am a tortured soul just trying to keep it's head above water. I know a whole lot about nothing. haha Guess that's the way it goes for all of us, huh.

In a lot of ways, I guess since Mom died I've been waiting for someone to take my hand and help me out a bit. We hear songs about it... so I know it's possible. Lyrics come from the writers heart... and sometimes I hear certain songs and think, "fuck man... I want THAT." haha Everyone wants what someone else has.

Well like I said, I have NO idea where this began or ends... I was just typing to get it out. Right now I'm frustrated. I'm upset. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm floating. End of story. lol

New Orleans, Home.

SO much has happened since I last blogged. Just going to be blunt...


I am moving to New Orleans... biggest decision of my LIFE and I'm gonna do it. I've always wanted to but never have had the guts and I've spent these past few weeks/months really looking at myself and what I need. Turns out you cannot depend on another person to make you happy.. you have to do it yourself. It's funny because I'm so good at giving that advice to other people but have never really evaluated myself to see if I'm practicing what I preach. Guess not.

I don't want to leave my partner.. he's the only reason I've stayed in this desert prison for so long. He doesn't want to move to a place like nola and it wouldn't be fair for me to expect him to follow this crazy ass dream. But it's to the point now where I will cheat myself if I go my WHOLE life and never try something I truly want to do for ME. He's being supportive, though he doesn't want me to go. I have absolute faith he and I will be together again... though I know that's what everyone says in this kind of situation. We both are willing to accept the possibility that we may never be together again, but we both are not going to dismiss what we’ve built just because I need to discover myself. I cannot wait to be in a place like nola and know I am there for nothing other than MYSELF. Really give myself a chance to search my soul. Mom's not here anymore, you know? She was the only family who I was really close to and now she’s dead… What have I got to lose?

Who knows.. I may go out there and only want to stay 1 year. I may never leave. I've no idea what's in store other than I'm going to live in either the French Quarter or Garden District (both have some fantastic places for rent.. I will check them out when I go in April). Getting a job waitressing or bartending on Bourbon Street will be easy as pie as I was a successful bartender for 6 years.. and with a wild imagination like mine I can *totally* rack up tips just by being myself. And I am TOTALLY going to street perform. haha Some people there make a nice living off just dressing up and playing with tourists. I can't wait to wearmy voodoo doll costume and collect tips for it.

Haven't told the family yet. I want to wait until I have a little more set up before I do.. I’m going to get so many doubts, so many “you’re still chasing a little girls dream, Sue? Grow up.” I don’t care… I feel it in my soul.

When I go it won't be until a bit later in the year.. have a lot of saving to do. I am moving with my best friend who is from Baton Rouge and has family all over the state, they all have offered to help us in anyways we need. So I'll be there with someone who grew up in the area and has plenty of support....

What's really crazy is I have been praying that the Universe give me any possible signs it can spare... please, show me what to do!! Every single day I get more and more signs that point towards this. It's so ridiculous that ignoring them would be an insult to whoever’s watching. When Mom died, Lord knows I asked for signs left and right and didn't receive a single one... for the first time ever I’m getting them thrown at me like bugs against a windshield. I feel like every event in my life has lead up to THIS moment.

This is going to be an amazing, life changing experience.. I'm excited and SO terrified at the same time.

But hey, I'll only be 10hrs away from my brother. I talked to him about it yesterday and he is SO stoked. He can't wait to come stay with me during Mardi Gras. OMG I'm going to live IN Mardi Gras! ahhhh!

I'm so overwhelmed. So terrified. SO READY. 

Just Another Day...

Reading over my previous posts... it would seem I am a pretty Morose person. Yeah, I guess that's right from time to time, but not always.... just so you know. lol

Today I feel very blank. Like the lights are on, you know, but no one is home. I even tried listening to music all morning and nothing seemed to light that fire. Funny the way it is, when you think about it.... I always have to look forward to something. If I don't, living seems like too much of a chore.

Let me clarify I have NO thoughts of suicide whatsoever.

Just thinking on computer, I s'pose.

Anyways, things in my life are looking up, actually. I just moved in with the greatest man I've ever known and our kitties are getting along famously. The new place is fantastic and I'm so glad he and I share similar taste in decor, as my preference tends to be slightly odd... with my post mortem pictures and voodoo masks. Thursday we will get Internet set up which means free reign for World of Warcraft!! STOKED.

So... I really have no idea why I'm writing today. Guess just needed a little window to the outside world, sitting here in my cubicle.

Make the Best of What's Around....

GrooGrux King

When my mother died, I felt a crack in my heart. When LeRoi died, I felt a crack in my soul.

I read an article yesterday about DMB's new "get up." Butch Taylor, the pianist who's played with them for years, resigned not long ago and is being replaced by non other than Tim Reynolds himself. Crazy to think Tim is now officially a member of DMB. Crazy to think Butch Taylor is gone.

A young man by the name of Coffin is replacing Roi. I got to see him live last year and he is a phenomenal saxophonist, but when I see him play I see sadness. All I can feel when I look at Coffin is that huge hole where LeRoi should be. Like I said though, he is talent all around and I don't think DMB could have chosen a better replacement.

/sigh

So many changes. DMB has been the ONLY constant thing in my life... they are my family. Seeing them go through such hard times is very difficult for me. Dave said he really hopes the remaining members don't try to 'imitate' Roi...

God, with Roi and Butch being gone... I can't help but fear the worst. The day it is announced that DMB will be going separate ways will be a heart breaking day indeed. lol Listen to me... going on like a crazy insane, stalker fan. haha hardly. Just passionate, I s'pose.

They will never be the same, and it's completely understandable why. At least I had Roi's beautiful music for as long as I did and at least I know DMB will still always be there for me.

It's just...

Seeing my soul change like this is kind of hard to take at times....